Me and the Lowe Family

It’s been slow as hell, very few auditions for the entire month of October.  And my family is fighting this cold, which is currently kicking my ass.  So when suddenly I had a full day a couple days ago, I dragged my ass out of bed despite feeling like I should be hospitalized.  I went on a commercial audition where I flirted with a thermostat (you read that right) and then went out for a five-line part on television drama.  Waiting to read my five lines on a chair by a bank of elevators, I began to feel very, very tired.  I just wanted to go back home and lie down, and as soon as this sucker was done that is exactly what I was going to do.  It was very quiet.  Just me and a few other guys waiting and tapping our fingers and wondering when the audition session would start.  Then the elevator bank went berserk, and the elevators started coughing up celebrities at an insane pace, including Rob Lowe and Calista Flockhart.  I can’t say the celebrity encounters made me feel better, exactly, but they certainly were distracting.  And I did find myself wishing I had their jobs…not their careers because I want to be able to eat sandwiches and videotape myself having threesomes without tabloid fallout, but their jobs.  Although I should be careful what I wish for, because a sixteen-hour day with a bad cold is hell on wheels, and I know from experience.  Still, I’m jealous.  Very, very jealous.

Anyway, after the elevators got done barfing up famous people, I got called into read, and I found myself acting in front of Chad Lowe, Rob’s brother.  And right before I began, I suddenly remembered I had lampooned them both in different stage shows I have done in the past.  In the Film Pigs staged parody of St. Elmo’s Fire, I played Rob Lowe’s part (I used a toy saxophone because we couldn’t afford a real one) and I did a sketch in another show where I played Chad at home with his then wife Hilary Swank.  (He kept crying because she was the one winning all the awards and he didn’t get any.  It was called Boys Do Cry.)  Upon realizing this, I suddenly felt awkward.  I don’t think anyone noticed, though.  Chad Lowe told me I did a good job.

I did not get hired.

But at least I was on my home to get some rest…no wait, I got a call from my commercial agent!  I then had to drive for an hour to go to a commercial call-back where I simply sat and listened to my “child” play her instrument.  I wound up auditioning twice because they didn’t have enough dads to go around.  The first little girl was a virtuoso on her violin, and I was so genuinely impressed I was near tears.  The second girl played her guitar, and was so bad I could barely keep my face from scrunching up in disgust (and I was supposed to be looking “proud.”)  I felt bad, too, because she was just a kid.  And then I found myself a little angry with her mother for pushing her into auditioning for something she shouldn’t.

And by the time I got home I was even sicker than how I started.

But hey, Chad Lowe said I was good.

Didn’t get hired.

But I’m good.

Right.


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