Don’t Act: The Book!

Dear readers of my nonsense:

 

Over the past number of years, I’ve been working on (and reworking and reworking) a book about my experiences in acting.  Given that I don’t have a literary agent or a publisher, I thought my blog would be the best place to premiere the thing.  I plan on posting a chapter everyday (or so.)  I welcome all comments and thoughts on each chapter, given that it will most likely forever be a work-in-progress unless I just decide to give up (I’m very stubborn, however, so that’s not likely.)  Here’s the introduction (also available on my website) as it seems beginning at the beginning seems to make the most sense:  

 

 

DON’T ACT: 101 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

(as supported by the thoughts and anecdotes of one of television’s most vaguely recognizable performers)

by

Todd Robert Anderson

 

 

Author’s Note

________

I am thoroughly embittered and excessively angry.  I just wanted you to know that I know that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Quick Introduction

_______

            I am a masterful actor.  This must be clearly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of this book.  And, yes, I understand that you’ve never before heard of me, but if you watch television, there is a high probability that you have seen me at some point.  I’ve been on the tube a lot, both on series and more often commercials.  In most cases, I was really, really amazing to watch.  Now I don’t want to spend pages and pages proving through description and examples just how talented I am, so you’ll have to take my word for it.  If for some reason you are hesitant to believe me, please send three million dollars, and I’ll happily make a low-budget movie in which I am the lead.  You will be the first person for whom I screen the picture, and if you think I’m lousy, don’t read this book.  No hard feelings.

            For those of you without that kind of cash, and for those who actually have a genuine interest in these writings, there are a few minor points you must keep in mind while reading.  One, while the personal anecdotes I use are absolutely true I have omitted names either out of respect for friendship or more often because I have forgotten the names of a lot of folks I’ve worked with over the years.  If I do use a name, it is done out of a burning desire for vengeance.  Two, it may seem at times that I’ve exaggerated details for the sake of dramatic thrust, but I have not taken creative license with anything: Hollywood is just that absolutely insane.  Three, my words may sometimes come across as caustic and bitter: they are.  If these things are irksome to you, too bad, it’s my stupid book, not yours.

            Now, because I feel this introduction should have a third paragraph, I am going to state as directly as possible why I was compelled to write this book.  Here it is: I don’t want you to act.  It’s not that I’m afraid of competition.  It’s that I have discovered that the profession, even with all its noble artistic aim, is extremely silly.  And that doesn’t just go for the lowly blue collar commercial and character actors such as me, it goes for all the greats.  I’m talking about Olivier, Stewart, Davis, Poitier, Hepburn, Grant, Penn, Streep, Washington, DeNiro, Cheadle, Reeves, Rock (The,) and even—gasp!—Roberts.  Yes, I’m afraid to say, Julia Roberts is silly.  She is very, very silly.  And I want to do whatever I can to keep this world from filling up with so much human silliness.  Many famous actors have written their long, meandering autobiographies and made the profession seem like a barrel of laughs, but they are ludicrously rich, have completely lost touch with reality, and their memories are confused.  Money makes one believe everything is happy.  I am neither famous nor rich, so my points are not confused.  Okay, they are.  But they’re confused in a more realistic and embittered way.  Which I think you’ll agree is much better.  So, please, before you pack your bags and leave for the dream works of Tinsel Town, take heed and learn from the mistakes of Todd Robert Anderson.

            I’m being totally serious.

 

(If you likey, and you want morey, please go to amazon and look up the damn title. You won’t regret it. Well, you might. But that’s really not my problem.)


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