Don’t Act, Reason #24: You will constantly be trumped by nepotism and extreme good looks.

A brief note before we get to the latest “Don’t Act” entry: Okay, I’m back.  The holidays got the best of me, and I also started getting some work and a helluva lot of auditions, so I didn’t have the free time to contend with this thing.  Well, I did.  But I watched porn instead.  Now, I have no idea if anyone ever reads this thing, because I get so few notes and comments, but if you are in fact out there, happy new year.  And without further adieu, here’s the latest reason not to act:

You sick of thinking about looks, yet?

            Well, if you can barely take reading it over and over in this book, then you MUST NOT ACT!  You’ll be confronted with the attractiveness issue every single day, without fail.  This book is not at all repetitive by comparison.  Chances are, though, if you do pursue work in The Industry (I always imagine this name being spoken in a giant, self-important, and booming voice for some reason) then you will keep telling yourself that you don’t need super good looks to get hired, because you’ve got super talent.  I say again, because apparently you aren’t processing my lessons too earnestly, when it comes to booking the jobs that can launch your career, TALENT DOES NOT MATTER.  Actually, I should have thrown a “fucking” in there for emphasis.  Let me try that again: TALENT DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER. 

            And if you’re as epically stubborn as I am and are going into acting regardless of what anyone tells you, you are probably saying to yourself, “Todd is wrong.  Talent does matter.  It’s not just about looks.”  You’ve seen them, haven’t you?  You’ve seen average looking actors in the movies or on television; some may even have been completely unattractive.  Why can’t you be one of them?  The answer is simple: look at their last names.  Colin Hanks.  Sean Astin.  Paris fucking Hilton.   These are average looking (yes, I do think Hanks and Astin are cute, but you get my point—Brad Pitt they ain’t) people born to famous parents (well, Paris isn’t average—she’s all stretched out and freaky but completely painted over with money.)  Still others with names you might not recognize right away, if you take the time to research them, you’ll most likely find are the offspring of famous directors or producers or movie executives.  Even Cole Hauser’s dad is a long time B-movie star, Wings Hauser.  (I love Wings Hauser.  Did you see Mutant?  No?  Okay, I’m probably alone on that one.  It’s awesome.)  There isn’t that much work out there and the powers that be want to make sure their kids have jobs.  Rich and famous kids are often self-absorbed as a result of being rich and famous, and probably spent most of their college years high on designer drugs because they grew up with money to burn and they really don’t ever have to earn a living, which means acting is the career for them.  Technically, the job requires no real education and no experience—or real passion for the work.  (Yes, by the way, if you act, you are self-absorbed—rich or not.  Sorry if you think you’re doing it for some altruistic, “save the world” reason.  But you’re lying to yourself.  The truth is you think you’re great, and you want the rest of the world to agree and give you a back rub.  I know that’s true about me, as well.  There’s no way around it.  I can’t stop thinking about myself.  Oh, wait.  I just did.  I thought about cake.)

            Everyone who is considering acting should look at the following checklist:

1)      Extreme good looks.

2)      Independent wealth.

3)      A powerful relative in the business.

If you don’t meet every single one of these requirements, you are wasting your time pursuing acting.  And be sure you hit every one of them, not just one or two.  The only exception to this is the following: your last name is Spelling.  Tori Spelling is the only person in the history of screen entertainment to have gotten by with only two points on the above checklist.  This is a documented, irrefutable fact.[1]