Don’t Act, Reason #22: You will never be invited onto the “casting couch.”

If people could really fuck their way into movie roles, the whole town would be working, because I guarantee there’s a lot more sex happening than film production, even in Los Angeles.  The “casting couch” is right up there with the myth that is “paying your dues.”  Maybe there are a few supermodels who’ve given blow jobs to break into movies, but that’s it, I swear.  And I know it seems like there’s no way certain talentless actors could have landed such juicy roles without choking down a mammoth member or laboriously licking labia (fucking porno alliteration is sweet!)  But the casting couch is nowhere to be found.  For one, most casting offices are much too small to fit sofas, barely having room for a couple of folding metal chairs.  Folding metal chairs are cold and uncomfortable and lousy for sex.  I suppose you could just have the sex on the receptionist’s desk, but that might piss him or her off, given that all the day’s submissions and notes of things to do sitting atop the desk will be horribly disturbed. 

            Truth be told, I feel cheated.  I’ve never been coerced into sex with the promise of an acting job.  All I do is audition and they give it to me or they don’t.  Am I so unattractive?  I know I’m very fair-skinned and I’ve got red hair and my body is kind of gangly and soft in the middle, but there’s got to be some fetishists somewhere in the entertainment industry who would lust after such a creature as me?

            You know what, forget this reason.  Maybe you can fuck your way to the top.

            I am a monster.